Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Too cold to write
Well it's been way to fucking cold to write, because the factory has not had heat (in case you're wondering why there's a doughnut shortage).Boner just walked by in her swishy pants, I hate those pants, I don't know why or how she's gotten away with wearing jeans....stupid boner.
Ok, so it's been one hell of week with cars. Last weekend my car died-timing belt snapped, on the highway during a heavy snowfall. $400 later, it's fixed! That's after over $500 in repairs two weeks ago...I see moths flying out of my pants, and trust me, it's not from underuse folks...Ok, so, I decide to take my moms car to Nerd's this past weekend because I don't want to risk mojo. The muffler fell off. Canadian tire couldn't fix it, but it got Magyvered enough to drive on paved roads. Thanks work key chain! (the exact same thing happened to Peach on Monday morning, and thank goodness Canadian tire fixed it for her and the Kimmer, except, Peacher gots the frost bite too)
On Sunday when I leave, I have to go to my place, pickup presents, and then detour to my parents to trade for my car (my mom's couldn't be driven on unpaved roads, and the roads leading to my friends place wherest I was going Sunday evening is unpaved), I can't take my dad's car because his brakes are wonky, so I'm going to take my car.
Sunday was -30 with the wind chill.
My car doors were frozen shut, as were the handles now that I had attempted to open them. I think, well, the passenger door will stay frozen, it's half open/half closed, and I can't lock it because the handle is frozen. With some fiddling, flying open and driving, my driver side finally closes. I decide at this point I can't go to the Lesers because it's just too darn dangerous. I attempt to drive home.
(Side bar, my parents were away, and had taken their hair dryer so I couldn't use it to warm up the handles, and my neighbors were out).
My passenger door flies open on the DVP. Because the handle is frozen, I can't get it shut. My seat belt is not long enough to loop through and close it. I've just taken out the bunji cords and rope yesterday, that were used for getting the christmas tree. I don't know why I didn't get them at my parents house, maybe because it was -30 and I already had frost bite from trying to fix my door, and I wasn't thinking straight...
Anyfuckingwhore, I get off the DVP, pull into a well lit Mercedes dealership and try in vain to fix my handle. No luck. I figure the traffic is light, I'm close to home, and these tears that are threatening, well, they'll freeze my face off-literally. So I get home, after a very uncomfortable/awkward drive holding the door shut.
Decide to use my blow dryer to open my car handle, looking so forward to some heat and comfort of home-I CAN'T GET IN MY HOUSE, THE FRONT LOCK IS FROZEN!!!! Peach is out, and loud masturbater from downstairs is either out, or can't hear me over his noise. Thank the fucking God Geo (landlord) lives behind us. He gets my door open. I"m suffering frost bite on my fingers, but soldier on, defrost my door handle, trompe back inside, and eat saffron rice. Angrily.
The next day at work, -34 now, the coldest day in December in 60 years, the heat DOESN'T WORK!!! It's so cold it's fucking insane. I have to stay at work due to no lap top or fax machine at home. It's getting so cold inside, and where we happen to sit is the coldest section. I know everyone is cold, but literally, you could walk into our section and feel the drop in air temp. Some ass walked over and said-wow you've got the coldest corner, congratulations! Fuck off whore.
Day two, it's still off. Still working in winter wool coat, touque, gloves, scarf, and peeing my pants so I'll get some steam. At one point I stuck to the toilet seat. Most of the office has left, I can't, again, don't have a fax machine at home, and it's end of year, too much shit to lay aside. My fingers are still feeling very bizarre from the frost bite. I finally give in and go home though, due to the door to the outside being open for the heater repair men three feet from my desk. The gusts of wind do me, and my stiff key board in.
I swear, I would have killed someone, just to go into there carcass to warm up. Like a tonton.
Both Monday and Tuesday nights I go for extra long runs to overheat myself and then take a super hot bath. It's Wednesday, heat is on, but still chilly. Outside is warmer than the office. It's -5, and have a snow storm on the way.
I'm trying to make it up North to see Future Doctor (www.futuredoctor.com) The little red beet has a challenge on his hands!!!
I think the next time the heat goes off in the building I'll shit beside my desk and harness the steam and energy from the poo into some nice, nutty smelling heat.
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eeep, i'm glad i wasn't at work today to take your abusive manner. i know you love me and all but tuesday was almost more than i could bear.
wren
or you could add corn to your poop and make it a burrito...