Wednesday, December 29, 2004
What I would say to Magnum PI
When I meet Magnum, I will say, "I can't wait to get your ghetto love." It ain't no big thang G, shit yo.Friday, December 24, 2004
MY NEMISIS
MY FUCKING NEMEISIS, I NEEDED HIM TO FAX ME ONE FUCKING THING ON TUESDAY, HE DIDN'T.NOTHING WEDNESDAY.
NOTHING THURSDAY.
MY BOSS TOLD ME I COULD START MY VACATION AS SOON AS I GOT THE INFO FROM BUDDY, AND I'VE BEEN CALLING AND EMAILING BEGGING! bEGGING FOR THIS STUPID THING. HE'S FAXED ME STUFF PLENTY OF TIMES BEFORE! FUCKITTY FUCK FUCK!
SO, IT TURNS OUT HE GAVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE TO FAX, AND HE GAVE THEM THE WRONG FAX NUMBER.
FUCKITY FUCK FUCK.
I've been so stressed about this, wanting to get my work done, braving stupid weather inside and out of the office! Christ.
Anywhore, I didn't make it to the cottage FUCKITY FUCK FUCK.
Hoping to catch the Doctor on Boxing day! Merde.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Too cold to write
Well it's been way to fucking cold to write, because the factory has not had heat (in case you're wondering why there's a doughnut shortage).Boner just walked by in her swishy pants, I hate those pants, I don't know why or how she's gotten away with wearing jeans....stupid boner.
Ok, so it's been one hell of week with cars. Last weekend my car died-timing belt snapped, on the highway during a heavy snowfall. $400 later, it's fixed! That's after over $500 in repairs two weeks ago...I see moths flying out of my pants, and trust me, it's not from underuse folks...Ok, so, I decide to take my moms car to Nerd's this past weekend because I don't want to risk mojo. The muffler fell off. Canadian tire couldn't fix it, but it got Magyvered enough to drive on paved roads. Thanks work key chain! (the exact same thing happened to Peach on Monday morning, and thank goodness Canadian tire fixed it for her and the Kimmer, except, Peacher gots the frost bite too)
On Sunday when I leave, I have to go to my place, pickup presents, and then detour to my parents to trade for my car (my mom's couldn't be driven on unpaved roads, and the roads leading to my friends place wherest I was going Sunday evening is unpaved), I can't take my dad's car because his brakes are wonky, so I'm going to take my car.
Sunday was -30 with the wind chill.
My car doors were frozen shut, as were the handles now that I had attempted to open them. I think, well, the passenger door will stay frozen, it's half open/half closed, and I can't lock it because the handle is frozen. With some fiddling, flying open and driving, my driver side finally closes. I decide at this point I can't go to the Lesers because it's just too darn dangerous. I attempt to drive home.
(Side bar, my parents were away, and had taken their hair dryer so I couldn't use it to warm up the handles, and my neighbors were out).
My passenger door flies open on the DVP. Because the handle is frozen, I can't get it shut. My seat belt is not long enough to loop through and close it. I've just taken out the bunji cords and rope yesterday, that were used for getting the christmas tree. I don't know why I didn't get them at my parents house, maybe because it was -30 and I already had frost bite from trying to fix my door, and I wasn't thinking straight...
Anyfuckingwhore, I get off the DVP, pull into a well lit Mercedes dealership and try in vain to fix my handle. No luck. I figure the traffic is light, I'm close to home, and these tears that are threatening, well, they'll freeze my face off-literally. So I get home, after a very uncomfortable/awkward drive holding the door shut.
Decide to use my blow dryer to open my car handle, looking so forward to some heat and comfort of home-I CAN'T GET IN MY HOUSE, THE FRONT LOCK IS FROZEN!!!! Peach is out, and loud masturbater from downstairs is either out, or can't hear me over his noise. Thank the fucking God Geo (landlord) lives behind us. He gets my door open. I"m suffering frost bite on my fingers, but soldier on, defrost my door handle, trompe back inside, and eat saffron rice. Angrily.
The next day at work, -34 now, the coldest day in December in 60 years, the heat DOESN'T WORK!!! It's so cold it's fucking insane. I have to stay at work due to no lap top or fax machine at home. It's getting so cold inside, and where we happen to sit is the coldest section. I know everyone is cold, but literally, you could walk into our section and feel the drop in air temp. Some ass walked over and said-wow you've got the coldest corner, congratulations! Fuck off whore.
Day two, it's still off. Still working in winter wool coat, touque, gloves, scarf, and peeing my pants so I'll get some steam. At one point I stuck to the toilet seat. Most of the office has left, I can't, again, don't have a fax machine at home, and it's end of year, too much shit to lay aside. My fingers are still feeling very bizarre from the frost bite. I finally give in and go home though, due to the door to the outside being open for the heater repair men three feet from my desk. The gusts of wind do me, and my stiff key board in.
I swear, I would have killed someone, just to go into there carcass to warm up. Like a tonton.
Both Monday and Tuesday nights I go for extra long runs to overheat myself and then take a super hot bath. It's Wednesday, heat is on, but still chilly. Outside is warmer than the office. It's -5, and have a snow storm on the way.
I'm trying to make it up North to see Future Doctor (www.futuredoctor.com) The little red beet has a challenge on his hands!!!
I think the next time the heat goes off in the building I'll shit beside my desk and harness the steam and energy from the poo into some nice, nutty smelling heat.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
It's official- I've stopped BeLIEving
Oh my god, I've stopped believing, despite the pleas of journey! Their perilous hold on me was tenuous at best, but today, the blackest day of all, I let go.Monsieur Croissant Head
In grade 10, my first year of Highschool, the school had this thing that once a month for half an hour you and about 4 other students would go and meet in a classroom with a teacher/'counselors' and talk about adjusting to highschool life. This meant a shortened lunch for us, and a longer lunch for everyone in grade 11 and up. You had to go, it was mandatory.My 'counselor' was Mr. Muller (German name with the umlots and all, and he's the fucker who, when I got home from going to school in France that year (I was living there on an exchange going to school), gave me my oral exam and told my French was too good and gave me a 50 percent, what the fuck? Of course my French is going to be good, I WAS LIVING IN A FRENCH COUNTRY, CALLED FRANCE, AND THE HOST FAMILY HELPED ME LEARN FRENCH BECAUSE THE CRAP YOU LEARN IN SCHOOL IS NOT HOW THEY SPEAK IT IN THE REAL WORLD. I DIDN'T OFTEN ASK FOR A POUND OF BUTTER AT THE DISCOTHEQUE).
Anyhoo, he had the craziest fucking hair ever. It was literally wrapped around his head, like a Croissant. It was so fucking bizarre and hair sprayed, I'm fairly certain if you touched his hair you'd be stuck to his head for life. He also always wore these really, really bright red shirts with tight ass white pants. I think he thought he was back in his German shit film days back in the 70's and it would translate well in the early 90's to Canadian highschoolers whom were familiar with shizer films.
Digressing here-
So, walking into one of these sessions, I walked past his seated little troll body, and got a look at the top of his head, and just couldn't believe that it was wrapped around his head and literally had a swirl on top. I started laughing and couldn't stop.
I sat down, red, shaking, tears streaking out of my eyes, and not containing myself well. A fellow inmate got the laughing bug from me, poor little Nick, and he started laughing his firm ass off (I was on the swim team with him and saw it in a speedo), and M. Croissant head was like "Isth there a problem?" and I was so bloody tempted to say "you bet there is, shit film" but I didn't, I was laughing too hard.
M.Croiss tried to ignore Nick and I, but he couldn't. He either thought we were laughing at the other kids, or on drugs, because we were kicked out, and never had to go back again. Me, mainly because I was leaving for France, and Nick because I think M. Ssant was possibly thinking of recruiting him for film work...
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Christmas Time=Hospital Stay (aka why I think I have the Black plague)
Between my Grandmother and I over the last 7 or so years, either one of us has been in the hospital around Christmas time. Good times my friend, my personal favorite stay was when I had kidney stones for three weeks and I barfed on a mean nurse and had the stones removed via an existing cavity, but that's another story...At this point, I've been relatively healthy this year. I've just had strep throat and tonsillitis seven or so times this year, a few severe hangovers, cholera, brain damage, consumption, and a few bad ass colds. Oh yes, plus my IBS, but that's just become a running joke, hahaha, get it? RUNNING joke?
My Grandmother has fared worse for the wear this year, but she's the living dead, so she's going to out last us all. I guess it was the 71 years of smoking. All those chemicals preserved her. I just realized, she smoked as many years as my dad has been alive! Shit yo!
Anywhooooo, I think that the black death has gotten a hold of me, how do I know this? It's not the ring around the rosy or the pustuals, it's the smell the emits from my bumish area, I swear to God I'm dead on the inside, or at the very least fighting off a severe case of the black death!
Happy Holidays!!!!
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Oh that Reba McEntire vs. Vicki "mama" Lawrence
humalebalahumalabalabepala BOPThe nights the lights went out in Georgia on a midnight train to anywhere with the only living boy in New York who is working for the weekend.
humalebalahumalabalabepala BOP
(I'm a little stressed and BUSY, and apparently mildly mental at this point. I guess it's the clothes I buy at the toilet shop.)
Monday, December 13, 2004
I just ate some tin foil
Ok, so I just ate some tin foil, it was on the chocolate Christmas ball and clearly, I couldn't wait to shove into my greedy maw, and in went the chocolate and tin foil.....What a weekend, great with the nerd of course, but I feel sick to my stomach and dizzy and like I'm going to pass out, and not because I'm pregnant or ate tin foil, I've officially become Sasquatch Beatrice Arthur who's timing belt broke in the VW and have to shell out more money for the car. Close to 1000 in repairs for December. Uggggg, it's such a vicious cycle, this repairing the car just a little bit more praying a sweating that it'll make it through the winter, made all the worse by Christmas bills.
The other thing, I scared the bejebus out of Little Larry on Saturday night. Nerd and I went over to O.N. (Other Nerd aka wharf) and Reri's place to go for a walk in the duck parks panoramic Christmas display and poor little larry took one look at me and started to freak out!!!! Reri was very nice and said it was stranger recognition, and she shouldn't have left the room after handing him over to Nerd, but I know, it's because I'm a Sasquatch version of Beatrice Arthur. I was very bundled in a scarf, hat, mitts, pea coat...After L'il L'ar was calmed down, all he did was stared at me quietly and knew that there should be no sudden movements around me. He is one smart little monkey.
They tried to stop me once, those villagers!!! What they did was throw a piano off an 11th floor building onto me, but I just shrugged it off and continued to eat small children.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
OFfice Etiquette Part deux (and snot crusties)
Do NOT TELL co-workers about your colonique. NOBODY wants to know that you had the shit flushed out of you with a giant hose. NOBODY!!!!!!So, I'm a bit of spaz, as in klutzy, and never look quite put together. Something is always messy or dirty (coffee on the shirt, I wear my toque for 8 hrs and then can't take it off in the restaurant, I've been wearing the same underwear for 9 days....). I was thinking about what a spaz I was and remembered playing frisbee at a friend's cottage, and at the time was with a chap named Cheetah. We decided to play frisbee. We all have beer in our hands, a great cottage pastime, drinking beers, tossing the frisbee, euchre (uker, ucker, uchker, I hate that word!!!!), etc. CHeetah and Reba were tossing and catching it was such ease, sipping on their beer, enjoying themselves. I'm running around like a total idiot trying to catch it, trying to throw it with some accuracy. I've put down my beer at this point because I'm spilling it all over myself, I'm sweaty and angry because it's so hard....Finally the game ends when I toss the frisbee in the lake by mistake.
Well, for an odd (as in not good) reason that particular memory came tumbling back to me yesterday at work, because of course, even at work, I'm never totally put together, spilt coffee on my dress shirt, or messy hair, or misbuttoned sweater, just looking slightly dishelved, like I did after that stupid game of frisbee.
Wren and I were driving to the mall, and I look in the passenger side mirror, and I've got snot crusties and a crystal light red mustache (from the night before) on my face. No wonder one of my co-workers called me a little girl (he said "Thanks, you're a good girl" He was being nice and not condescending), I have a snot crusty and bright red mustache that looks like I've been supping on Kool Aid!
A the joys of the work place and memories that you can't shake.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Office etiquette
1. When the second floor is NOT getting heat during a snow storm, don't come down and say how cold it is, I(WE) know how cold it is, half of us are wearing scarves and jackets looking like Relic from the beachcombers.2. Do not touch one's mouse pad just because it "looks neat", especially one said one is USING HER MOUSE! Personal space folks.
3. Do not walk around one's area saying "wow, it's so cold, how do you work here?" and proceed to snoop through co-workers desks. I know it's cold, do see my SCARF tied around my neck and shoulders because it's so cold?
On a sillier note, I'm going to file a workers comp claim for frost bite on my ass. Not only do we not have heat on the second floor, even when we do, the bathroom does not have heat and it's FREEZING and sitting down is painful, and the amount I go in one day....Christ. Plus there's no hot water in the bathroom so washing one's hand is painful too. Freezing water on already frozen hands is NOT refreshing.
On a lighter note I sneezed all over my computer, then, I sneezed ho cho all over my key board. I swear to fucking god the fun NEVER, EVER stops at the doughnut factory.
Monday, December 06, 2004
Start at the bottom and read up.
ok, this might be a little confusing, but read from the bottom up, it's a conversation between wren and I. We no longer sit together, and I think I die a little every day that we are so far apart.
It's our first snow day, it's freezing in the factory, my fingers are numb
12. WREN
oh dear. i feel no good
11. GAS
ahhhhh, explosive. I had salade with dinner last night.
10 WREN:
me too, for the love of god, me too
9 GAS:
i'm going now, i'm cramping! oh, I hope I make it.
8. WREN:
yeeehaw!
i just had a bm
&. GAS wrote:
I just talked to E Pigg! (real last name)
6. WREN:
excellent.
5. GAS wrote:
you go first, I have to call the south.
4. Wren
i need to crap too. hurry up
3. GReen apple splatter wrote:
40?
2. Wren wrote:
i think so.
how many?
1.Green Apple wrote
hey dude,
I have to take a runny crap, but do you have any address labels?
Thursday, December 02, 2004
sample email between co-workers
one of our counselors from the south called, and at first I thought it was a crank call, someone (ie you) trying to be a female, southern fat albert. Then, to my horror and/or relief, it was a real call!Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Bathroom Door
At our new office the locks on the bathroom doors don't work, or line up, and some of the doors are all bent. Plus there are no heating vents in the bathroom so it gets pretty freezing in there and it smells like one of our doughnut factories because they use the same deorderizer. Wren used to work there.Anyhoo, they took a door off one of the stalls and it's just leaning against the wall, so I thought it would be pretty funny, during one of my episodes if I used that stall. And then hopefully kermit will come in, see me on the loo, pass out and hit her head on the way down, and then I can use her wig to wipe the toilet bowl.
It would also be funny if I just held the door in front of me whilst I was on the loo and said "Don't mind me" to anyone who came in.
Here's a funny expression- Pop a boner. As in "Today, I tried on a new dress and my significant other popped a boner." Just like pop a wheely, the imagery is the same.