Monday, May 30, 2005
Another conversation, another post
The other day I was woken up by a loud, long noise.Gee, my new neighborhood wakes people up with trumpets, I guess I'm going to have to call the city and complain (I've gotten good at that-take that fucking car dealership who blocks our drive and yells at peach, I'll fucking kill you). Or request a song or something...
Anywhooo, this loud, long noise turns out is nerd FARTING!!!!! I thought it was a bleeding trumpet!
Nothing wakes this fucker up either. I've taken to knocking on his head when he snores. It doesn't even phase him- he'll turn his head and keep on sleeping.
So I shook the fuck out of him and he sort of woke up-
"Why/how are your farts so loud????!!!!???"
"Because my ass is spectacular"
There you go folks. Nerd has a spectacular ass. I think I'll see if I can request he play a tune tomorrow.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Nerd in the hizouse
I barely see him during the week-he's working crazy hours, but on weekends, we be bar-b-quing biotchs!He has funny hair when he wakes up, like a malting duck. And his ears are super red. A lot of the time he doesn't make sense, but in his waking hours he doens't either.
He also tried to get me back the other day by filming me whilst I slept. I swore up a blue streak something awful and he hasn't done it since. I think it may be because he's still trying to get his ears to stop bleeding. I do however have a very funny one I took when I was happy on martini's and high from telling cabbies crazy stories.
Commercials to love and Hate
ok, the lubraderm commerical is so fucking stupid I don't even know where to start- there's a girl sitting in a field with nuts falling in her, and by the time it ends, she's up to her fucking shoulders in nuts! Who the fuck would want to buy cream that may or may not induce nuts falling on them? It's not like teabagging falling nuts, it's fucking shea and cocoa nuts! (It would however be fucking hiliarious if it were COCONUTS falling on the stupid lady)I am however loving the Willy Wonka commercials, Johnny Depp looks so bizzare, those teeth! that voice!, I think I may just have to see that fucking movie! I also love it when Violet comes up to him and says "I'm Violet" and he's like "I don't care". LOVE IT. I also love the fat kid who's like "I LIKE YOUR CHOCOLATE" whilst it sounds like half the bar is lodged in his throat and the other half is smeared on his face (see that? Smeared!).
I also love the commercial for buffalo wings, and it's a spoof on the pyramid word show, and the lady is trying to get the man to say barbque, and he just doesn't get it, and when she finally says the word ends in 'q' and he says "thanque" and that weird smile comes on his face-I fucking love it! LOVE IT.
There's another funny one, but I can't remember it. I do like the VW one with the guy screaming/laughing into a turn on the road.
I think I'm going to make a martini now. A steak is marinating, I'm waiting for Nerd to come home (bloody fucking crappy work hours), and I may just start a new book. (Side bar, Paul Feig is coming out with a new book-yipppeeeeee!)
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Nerd's coming early
A sample conversation with Nerd when I come to bed after he’s already sleeping:Nerd: I have something to tell you.
Me: Ok….
Nerd:I know why the kitchen is sticky
Me:Ok….
Nerd:I’m the new Pillsbury Dough Boy
Me:Oh.
I have no idea either!
Nerd, here’s to a whole lot more of funny/confusing conversations with you living in Toronto.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Wren and the thing part two
So I had a bonding moment with Garbanzo, Wren's little farter, yesterday. I got to feel her moving around and kick and squiggle. It was so bizarre, and wonderful, and all around odd! I STILL find it weird that there’s a human in that stomach, not because Wren is going to produce the anti-Christ (I hope), but it just blows me away how we can produce something so magical and wonderful and that they chill out in our belly's (although, I swear sometimes when my tum is bad, I swear a human head is going to pop out-or at least have a tooth and a chunk of hair).I've had friends who've been pregnant before, but I've never felt their bellies. I've shied away from that for the fact that they have strangers coming up to them all day touching their bellies unsolicited, the last thing they need is another toucher.
Anywhore, it was amazing to feel that little squirmer in there!
I can't wait for that little devil to be vacuumed out (I learned that today, babies can be vacuumed out! Who needs a hospital? I don't, I've got an industrial vacuum!).
And you know it's going to be a devil-I'm hoping crazier than Wren and as tough as Pansy-they'll have the same shaved heads and defined backs.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
WHen I wrote it word it twas french script
So Nerd and I have known each other a year now. A whole freaking year and he hasn’t run off screaming, or I haven’t gotten drunk and ignored his calls!I say good for us.
He's moving in and I couldn’t be happier, drunken or more pleased about the situation.
He's lovely and patient, and makes me laugh so hard I nearly do a plop in my pants.
Plus he smells like warm butter and puts the A-Team theme song on cd’s for me, so it’s all that much better.
So you know, shit yo, we’re keeping it real and sealing the deal with a sinful pairing of abodes.
Monday, May 02, 2005
I AM NOT REFORMATTING!
· I’ve decided that I WILL NOT cook with chocolate. It really is too much of a pain and a mess.· Miss Jenkins fell down the stairs. Her and her vodka.
· I like fish and chips, but I don’t think I’ll ever like fish pie (insert dirty joke here)
· Morning traffic is a SON OF A BITCH.
· Nerd is coming to live with me soon!!! (SON OF A BITCH, I mean YIPEEEEE!!!!)
· My descending colon needs some work.
· I like painting, taping is not so fun.
· Goats cheese makes everything better, as does bacon. Two things I think I’ll start to eat exclusively. I’ll just say I’m on the Atkins meal plan…
· Morning traffic is full of fucktards, and I may have to drive into one of them by accident because they TEXAS TURN INTO MY LANE!!!!!!! AND THEN HONK AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!