Saturday, October 30, 2004
My Name
Hence forth, forsuth, thusly, forthwith and wence while I shall be known as Millicent Maryweather The Third, or, to my enemies-Millicent Maryweather the Turd.Please address me accordingly, up to, and including, the "The". Bank Boo.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Letting Go of Grade 10
So I'm walking around the ol' doughnut factory today thinking that "shit, yo, my undies are killing me." I didn't think I had put on a thong, but it sure felt like I had one on. An oddly thick one, because normally, they aren't too bad at all actually. Then I came to the horrible realization that it was my ass sucking in the undies as I walked! I was like Homer Simpson on the episode when they went to Brazil and Homer and Bart are on the beach and Homer's bathing suit keeps disapearing up his ass.Oh lord, the middle age spread has begun before middle age! Peach and I are running though, so I'm clinging to this pair of undies, I've had them since grade 10 man! Grade 10! That's almost 15 years of loyal service. They're in pretty good shape too, only a few tears. It's still good, it's still good. 15 years of loyal service is pretty tough to come by, especially when you have IBS.
Until last year I had a pair that I got in grade six. They were no longer pink, actually they were an odd greenish/brownish colour....and the elastic was shot, but fuck me, I could still get into them. Of course I could only wear them with jogging pants because they got a very, very unflattering line, but whatev man, what-ev.. I had to get rid of them because they disintigrated off my body. SO in actuality, they disapeared. Rotted off me if you will.
All in all though, I'm not gross, I just get odd attachments to some stuff. With my undies, the odd attachement is that they are crusted onto my body. Even when I cut a third leg hole in them and turn them inside out for the fifth day of wear. Frankly though, if in the morning you toss your undies against the wall, and they DON'T stick, you aren't having a good enough time (or you need penicillan).
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
coffe xl and a bran muffin
"I'll have an extra large coffee and a bran muffin please." If anyone hear's me utter that fucking sentence slap me silly and glue a hefty bag to my ass. Thanks. It'll save me a lot of time at work, so I can actually work and not run like a sweaty maniac praying nobody is loitering in loo.If my co-worker ever orders a meatball sub with meatballs and cheese again, I'll slap him silly just cause it stinks, and fuck, anything in ball or loaf form should not be eaten.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Yes'm Pa
Sooo, today, I was in the exec. Chef's kitchen brewing up some coffee, as my boss is in town today, and in meeting all day. I thought I would be nice and get her some coffee, juice and water. She doesn't ask for this, nor is expected of me, I just want to be a nice person. Anywhore, her meetings today are with nemesis, and he walks into the kitchen and asks "So, this part of your chores, getting the coffee made in the morning?" Yes dumbass, that's what I do after I feed the animals, bale some hay, and milk the cow. At which point I come into the office to finish my chores of making coffee. Christ almighty, it's time to slip through the doughnut hole and scram!Did you ever notice it took Yoda forever to die in the empire strikes back? "You are the last jedi....l...The force is strong in you..............Did I leave my iron on?..............I don't want to burn down my cave..............You know? I worry about those sort of things........" Poor chunk of playdough.
Monday, October 25, 2004
Impressions
I do a few impressions:Chris Farley as Matt Foley (I live in a VAN down by the RIVER)
Chris Farley trying out as chip and dale dancer
Steve from Sex in the City (Miranda!)
My best impression is Don Knotts though, I kick ass at that one. Lots of sniffing is involved.
By the by, I think Yoda was a shriveled up piece of Plastercine, I can't be sure, but I"m pretty positive on that one. Plastercine.
Good weekend as always
soooo, had a good weekend again, as always with the Nerd.Went to visit Warf, Reri and Little Larry on Friday night. Little Larry sure can crawl like the dickens! Nerd and Lil' Larry had fun rolling on the floor.
Saturday went to Ancaster, did some shopping and went to the crappiest Liquidation world ever. It was such a let down, because it's housed in the head quarters of liquidation World, the regional offices and everything are there, and it's this tiny, teeny show room. Suckage of assage.
Walked around pumpkinfest Saturday night, saw some very neat decorated houses. Some very creative and nicely done, some just full of heart, and mildly messy. There was one house that had two witched on a bike, that had a mechanical device in it that had it peddling. Another house had a bucket with a head in it, turning from side to side.
Sunday we went to pumpkinfest day time activities, and the craft show wasn't the greatest, in fact, it was pretty crappy, but again, with Nerd, it was fun. The vendors were church basement ladies and confirmed bachelors whom live with there Mother and watch their stories every afternoon.
Dinner with Nerds parents was very nice, but note to self, Jehovah's do NOT get blessed after they sneeze. That's a no-no. Ooops.
I think the highlight of pumpkin fest for me, and possibly nerd, was the Christmas tree of pumpkins where the local grade school kids carved pumpkins and then placed them on a tree structure and they were lit up. My favorite was the pumpkin that just had a huge gaping hole carved in the face, or really, for the face. A lot were carved upside down (this town needs to be tested for mass dyslexia). Another fav. was one kid who repeatedly stabbed their pumpkin. I wonder what he (she) was thinking...
Anywhore, as always, good times. Can't wait for Thursday.
Friday, October 22, 2004
wheeww, this week has been forever long, shit yo
Dude, this fucking week, she drag on forever. Shit yo.Today I almost walked into a display at the convience story down the street from doughnut land. It moved, so I had to bob and weave around it.
When you force me to write wren, it sucks some serious ass. SHit you.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Weekday surprise
Had the best surprise ever Tuesday night.I was wondering around upstairs at our place, I had just made hot chocolate and I was going to eat some yucky, but healthy, cookies. I was sort of grumpy too. I was not feeling well at all. I even missed a dinner at my parents due to feeling like a pile of runny shit.
The door bell rang, so I was trying to decide if I was going to answer it or not. I decided to because I thought it may be Peach without her keys, she's working retardedly late see, and low and behold, it was NERD! He happened to have Wednesday off, so he decided to come and see me! I wasn't grumpy after that. He sang me songs and made me martinis, and I went to bed rip roaring drunk, humming a tune about wooden pickles.
Wednesday I woke up, surprisingly not hung over, but it may have been all of the hair of the dogs I drank to get me going, and I knew I'd be coming home to my lovely nerd Wednesday night. When I came home from work, Mahattan's were waiting for me, and Nerd was singing about beans. He bought us a fire place set, and we spit alcool into the fire for fun whilst singing of talking walnuts and fighting gorilla's.
Last night, the freak below my room was noisy again. I think I may have to stab him in the gut with my shive that I smuggled out of jail when my sentance was over. It sure came in handy at my incarceration, so why not now?
Nerd went home early, early this morning, after making me a batch of bloody mary's for me to have when I got ready for work. All and all, it was a good mid-week.
I'm now going into detox. I may not be able to update for a while....
Just quick
General malaise has taken a bad hold...Drinking an extra large St. tim's, and feel very dizzy. Or, I feel dizzy due to lack of oxygen which is being sucked out of the office by all the dullards, and people who are dead on the inside.more later!
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Well, My Word...
Ok, so, we have this God fearing/loving woman in the doughnut factory. She's lovely and sweet, a little older, and Wren and I call her M-Cat (on the prowl). Or Dude. Either one, she loves it.Anywhore, she was in the lunch room today, had a bag of salad, and said "I'm eating a bush today for lunch". Wren and I went nuts, we were laughing so hard. M-Cat was like "You want some bush? You know you're jealous of my bush". At this point Switzer starts to choke. I thought I was going to pass out with laughter, and then got a little afraid because there was NO WAY I was going to explain "bush" to M-Cat on the Prowl.
So lunch continues, nosy McGee keeps listening into our conversation, so Wren and I talk about kids who have had there fingers cut off while babysitting them, or a concert pianist that Wren knew whom lost her finger in a door slamming incident.
This was because I had taken a knife with me to the table to cut my apple and Kermit was like (in all pinched up snotty voice) "oh, you're the one hogging the knife". I looked her in the eye and said "better believe it" and then ignored her as she talked about, with her mouth full mind you, having to use a different knife to cut her tomatoes and whatever, again, was ignoring her. Actually, the rage was building so I was concentrating on being calm and not stabbing her, so I couldn't really listen....Now when she stares at me, or listens in on my conversations I say "what?", or "I'm not talking to you" Christ!
Again, anyhoo, back to the M-Cat and bush incident. M-cat was saying how tasty her bush was with dressing on it. Oh, lord, does it get any easier?
So when M cat is leaving the lunch room, she's winks and says, "I'm not that old, I know what's what." I nearly fell out of my chair with pride, and/or shame, but it was still great, and I think it's pride that I felt for that saucy minx M-Cat, we're teaching her well. She's a good little jedi, no whining, crying, or anything! She'll be throwing kermit over her head soon with some sort of mind meld, and I can't wait!
Monday, October 18, 2004
flu shot
my arm hurts, I have general malaise, my head is spinning, so I'm going home to eat chicken fingers. Fuck soup, I'm going in for the real deal.general malaise is one of the symptoms of the flu shot, but I'm going with because I'm proletariat.
Friday, October 15, 2004
I almost fell asleep in a meeting.
Holy shit and shove me in it. I almost fell asleep in a meeting. It was my boss, my nemisis and me. Nemisis is my nem, because of the rambling ways of the tounge, talking for the sake of talking, it makes me nuts! Blah, blah blah, it's a huge pet peeve. Make your point and shut it! Christ, and 'quick' meeting turns into two hours. Please, for the love of God, we know you're smart and you can do stuff (ahem), please, make your point and not point out everything else you know.Anyhoo, about an hour into the meeting I feel the pain begin in my eyes, and I know what's coming, the droopy eyes, the head sway, the head jerk. Man alive I hate that feeling. So, I'm working my ass off to look alive and not like about to pass out. Thank goodness I have a lazy eye, so my eyes were taken care off. Stiffling the yawns wasn't toooooo bad, it was the heavy head that was hard work. I have a huge conker to begin with, imagine keeping it aloft whenst tired. Holy fuck I thought I was going to vomit with effort.
I have a very strong neck.
I made it through, now I'm nearly dying at my desk. I have a new spread sheet to make Monday. Fucking doughnuts, and the greasy ones that cause fires in the pyre.
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Disturbing Expressions and Sayings
1. I have to take a dump2. I'm going to pinch a loaf
3. Bum tit tit, bum tit tit, playing the hairy banjo.
4. Ooopps, I cut the cheese!
5. Where's the beef?
6. Dwayne the Fluffer.
7. Missionary style through a hole in the sheet.
8. Dutch oven (actually those are fun to do, I have a friend who specializes in rag Dutch ovens.)
9. Greasy anal leakage.
So, today at work some one called my hair daring and radical. I think it's pretty tame. Kind of puffy today actually. It's the humidity you see.
I'm also wearing my Mary Janes, and they look like there's some sort of nerd splatter on them. I really must get around to cleaning them.
I have 20 billion spread sheets to do, so I'm going to stare at the doughnut maker a little longer, and continue to let my nose run-onto my shirt.
I think I'm suppose to have lunch with my boss today, but like George Costanza, I'm not positive and don't want to ask. I'll just hang around a bit, and then if she isn't done her conference call around noon, I think I'll step out.
Jube jubes shouldn't be greasy.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Christmas List #2
1. Digital Camera2. Money
3. Something that helps with greediness
4. A dresser
5. A gift cert. to Framar
6. Cook books
7. Money
8. Time
9. A smaller ass.
Thank you.
What a weekend!
Sooo, I had a disgustingly good weekend. I'm disgustingly happy. I make myself sick. Sick with happiness, saffron and tea. Possibly a bit of rye too.Anyhoo, had a very relaxing weekend, spent it with the lovely Nerd, relaxing, chilling out, maxing outside by the pool.
Some funny shit happened this weekend, but I'm not allowed to write about it. Although walking home from the buck and doe, Nerd pushed me and I fell onto the boulvard and almost rolled onto the road. That was fun. I bought some honey for my mom, that's pretty funny. If you're stupid.
I listened to BA Baracus all the way home though last night and sang my head off. It made for a difficult drive near the end, but I pushed on through and only pissed my pants once-when my head first fell off.
Peach got an amazing haircut.
Sunday, October 10, 2004
I had a traveller
So, last night at the end of the night, we were walking home from the legion, and I decided to take a little traveller with me. A can of bud, warm can of bud. It's pretty gross I must say. I had to stop drinking it because it tasted like Chef Bouyardee ravioli. Cold.TOday my liver hurts, and my tummy is a bit in tourmoil, but I blame the carney's at the fall fair who were singing to each other-I want you to want me. It was sweet really, but also, scary. Also, seeing the young girls trying to impress the carney's, well, that just ain't coo.
Shit, yo.
Friday, October 08, 2004
Wipe your face, there's egg all over it, you're disgusting
That's what I said to Nerd this morning, after he made me lemonade and toast.I'm not a morning person.
The saffron rice fucking kicked some serious ass. Fuck me it was so fucking good. Holy shit and shove me in it, it was fucking awesome. As a part time food critic, I highly recommend saffron rice.
Today we're going to have it cold, as salad if you will, in Nagara on the Lake. I would like to add shrimp to it, but that will kill poor Nerd, so for now, I won't.
I'm not much of a day person either.
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Saffron Rice
having saffron rice tonight, can't wait, I love me my saffron! Today bad it's the rarest, most (inexcusably) expensive spice on the planet. This is million dollar rice folks. It will be nice with white wine though-(hint)Last time I had saffron, a friend made it, said it was traditional Italian pasta, called "Poor Man's Pasta", but with the price of saffron, honestly I don't know how it could've been "poor man's pasta". I guess if these people were buying saffron, it would make them poor...
anyfuck, it's good shit.
Going to a fall fair too. Wren likes to make fun of the carny's, I just follow the code of the carny's. Every bearded lady for themselves. Take that seven faced man! Yeah, I don't know either, what the hell I'm talking about.
I have a bad ass headache.
I like goat cheese.
Tomorrow we're going to Niagara on the Lake, maybe I'll find some fine wine there to assist in backyard wrestling. It lubes up the joints and all, don't you know.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
I have a problem.
Wren and I were discussing who is more weird. She say I am, and her argument was "You shit more in a day than you eat." I answered "It's a disease."
I can't help it if she takes a dump once a week if she's lucky, and I'm prairie dogging it to the bathroom 7 or 8 times in a work day.
Anyhoo, she's weirder, and possibly crazier.
I'm just me. I like goat cheese.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Disgusting things to eat, that are sometimes good.
Ok, I'm the first to admit, I'm super ass picky, and a lot of things disgust the heck out of me, but there are some very gross things out there- such as Wren's illustrious entry on boiled chicken legs.(Now, I know this is hypocritical of me in the sense that I eat chicken and fish, and wear leather, and I'm totally under the esthetics of the North American clean ideal-if something comes neatly packaged than somehow, horribly, it doesn't seem like it was a living creature or what through an awful procedure, and life, to get to my table (I know that is not true...).
As for wearing leather, I guess the justification comes from, if the animal is going to be killed, than it's better than being wasteful with it's material. As well, some of the alternatives aren't that environmentally friendly either.
Now I don't mean for this to become a politically charged entry, I just wanted to say that I find some food gross, and I wanted to qualify that I'm not totally, and completely naive in the surroundings of certain processes to get us the food on our plate.)
Whether these food stuffs be cultural, religious, or the what not, I'm still allowed to say they're gross. This is because the society in which I grew up, North American culture specifically, has some pretty narsty history. The advent of the fast food restaurant, the rise of a chef, called Bouyardee, preservatives, trans fat, hydrogenation foods, etc., good old North America. So, our malleable palette of tastes have come from a smorgusboard of test tubes in a science lab.
What I find gross-
1. Things that are classified as a loaf
2. Mayonnaise, especially mixed with tuna. I pretty much have to leave the lunch room when I smell that vile concoction.
3. Corn Relish. Especially in splatter form.
4. Cottage Cheese. What the hell is that?
5. Chicken thigh, fish cheek, rabbit brain.
6. Turin of anything
7. Jelly encased meats.
8. Canned meats, fish, shrimp.
9. Fake fruit flavor, like in hard candies-but I like lemonade, but not actual lemons, or citrus flavored food (although Yin's lemon chicken was pretty good)
10. Raisins-failed grapes if you ask me.
11. Dates. Hey man, bad dates killed a monkey in Indian Jones people.
12. Luncheon meats.
13. Hot dogs. Yet, oddly, street meat at 3am is pretty good....
Yeah, so this entry is mildly weird, a mangled triabe if you will, but there you go. I'm tired, so fuck it.
Monday, October 04, 2004
ninja
that's right, ninja.1. FIRST NAME: Jennifer
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE: Nope, but I go by my middle name. Which both my parents picked, and my mom picked my first name, and my dad my third.
3. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Nope, but I like looking at them.
4. WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE: Middle, cause I love to give the finger
5. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY: When my friend went back to med school
6. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING: Yes, but others don't. They're bloody cry babies 'It's too messy, I can't read it' wah wah wah
7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT: Shaved (super thin) Cajun turkey
8. ANY BAD HABITS: lots
9. WHAT IS THE MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON YOUR SHELF? I dont have embarrassing ones, I like all kinds of music, so what it if its not considered cool, or considered 'embarrassing', middle finger time!
10. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU: I think so, if I had a penchant for people who fart a lot
11. ARE YOU A DAREDEVIL: Some times
12. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL: Yes, I have so many in my brain, I'm good at keeping them.
13. DO LOOKS MATTER: As long as you don't have a pussy eye cyst, I'm good. Generally if you're good looking on the inside, it shows through,you're your beautifulness just radiates.
14. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? The drink.
15. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? My parents, but I still call it home. I would love to move back to the beaches too.
16. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? Yes and no. I still always have a little wall up, so when I get screwed over, I don't feel as bad, because hey, I knew I would eventually. Healthy, no?
17. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? I liked Barbie, cutting hair was fun, my cabbage patch doll, my bike (is that a toy?).
18. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DID YOU THINK WAS TOTALLY USELESS? French, after I came back from France, and nearly failed, because my French was 'too good'. What the hell is that?
19. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL: Yes, Wren made me one after I lost mine on stupid Fat Tuesday of this year. I filed a police report and because I lost a whole knapsack worth of stuff, and the knapsack was awesome,got it on my travels,it matched my winter coat, and the only name and address in my journal was an ex-boyfriend. Eep.
20. DO YOU USE SARCASM? You bet I do.
21. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? A sense of humour, nothing beats a good, vomit inducing, belly laugh. And big hands.
22. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Loba, and as a kid, motor boat Laura
23. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Ummm, no.
24. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Yes, I take care of my possessions.
25. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE STRONG? Physically yes, emotionally yes, but I also have my moments of weakness. Every stupid ass thing I've done has taught me.I fucking hope they've taught me, because if they haven't made me stronger, then they made me crazier.
26. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Mocha almond fudge, or Half Baked.
27. SHOE SIZE? 7.5
28. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS? Blue, like the swirly blues in the Mediterranean Sea
29. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? None.
30. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW? Nerd, and my parents, they're traveling, I worry.
31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The radio, as my CD player is at my parents house.
32. LAST THING YOU ATE? Nerds. Peach and wild berry flavour. I didn't brush my teeth.
33. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE: My boss.
34. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? If they're smiley and happy, big, vieny hands (it's a good thing)
35. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Alrighty, gots a bit of a headache.
36. FAVORITE DRINK? Right now, black tea lemonade.
37. FAVORITE SPORTS: Swimming.
38. HAIR COLOUR? Dark brown
39. EYE COLOUR? Blue/Gray
40. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No, glasses for an astigmatism.
41. SIBLINGS? One older brother, who's in Police Academy right now. That's right, police academy. Damn you Taggart!
42. FAVORITE MONTH? October
43. FAVORITE FOOD? I like chips...But a good Brie or cambert, or Muenster even, with a fresh bagguet, oh man, I just frothed myself.
44. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Good Will Hunting on A&E
45. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Christmas morning, I'm fucking greedy
46. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS. Happy/sad endings, like Love Actually, or You Can Count on Me
47. SUMMER OR WINTER? Fall, fuckers.
48. HUGS OR KISSES? Beer for my horses, whiskey for my men.
49. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? Relationships.
50. WHATS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? It's a 3M precise mousing surface (shades of blue) with a gel wrist rest.
51. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Scrabble or monopoly, but I'm dying to try 90's trivial pursuit.
52. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Good will hunting and arrested development
53. FAVORITE SMELLS? Lilacs, and warm butter.
54. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP? Fuck.
Saturday, October 02, 2004
i must practice my ninja moves
now that I've stopped splattering I must practice my ninja moves.I would like to yell 'hiya!" but ninja are silent. That won't be a challenge because i'm a delicate flower.
Friday, October 01, 2004
Uggg
....green apple splatters.....uuuuuhhhhhh....hurts.......sweaty.....not good.....pretty, not so much............I'm allergic to my Sweater
So, I'm fucking allergic to my sweater.I didn't really click into it until, wearing it home the other day, whilst driving with the window open, it started to shed. I swallowed some of it, and started sneezing and coughing and running snot.
I have a bad habit of wanting stuff badly, buying it, and then returning it. So this time I bought it, hid it in the back of my closet it so I would forget about it until the fall, and the time period in which it could be returned would pass.
The other day when I passed the store in which I bought it had a sign up saying 'wool/cashmere' blend. I wanted to see how much cashmere was in it, because it was realivtly inexpensive, and it's 5% cashmere. 28% angora. Rabbit hair. That's why it's so soft, and why my nose is running at an alarming rate, literally gushing out of my nose.
I was on a conference call sneezing my ass off and sniffling today, and yes, I wore this sweater twice to work, but once with dress pants, and today with a t-shirt and jeans. The other callers thought it was funny, so thank goodness!
Yesterday I was wearing heels, which I had trouble walking in, I looked like a drag queen in training, or Bea Arthur if you will, and I refuse to wear nylons. I also will not go bare foot in those types of shoes, so I wore knee highs, except over the course of a move and the summer, I lost on nude knee high and one black one. So I had a mismatched pair, with the elastic going. Thank goodness I had long pants! I thought it was pretty funny, certain things I'm insanely anal about, certain things, hmmmph, I don't care. Generally I'm put together, except one little thing is off. I generally disgust Wren.
SO anyhoo, I'm snotty, itchy and looking my finest I must say.
Oh, and I've discovered they're remaking Revenge of the nerds. Oh my GOD!!!!!!