Monday, January 31, 2005
HTML
So I did html for the first time, I added a blog. Dooce. Ever so funny, and sad, and lovely, but mostly clever and funny.At first I put it in the wrong spot, but then I fixed it.
I'm putting that on my resume.
Went to buffalo, and man alive, there are some big titties across the boarder! Whoa Wee! The lady at Victoria Secrect! They went well with her hockey hair.
Friday, January 28, 2005
My Magnum
My wonderful Nerd agreed to put this up for me, due to the fact that it doesn't take much to amuse me, and what's funnier than a 'stache? A 'stache attached to a Stanley!I think Nerd, Don Knotts, and the Chimp from Any Which Way but Loose should solve crimes together.
THE Magnum PI could be a technical advisor, and Higgins got make guest shots, and Bea Arthur would be the love interest. Oh, and Reba McIntyre would sing the intro. She would re-work the Star Trek Voyager song, as it's ever so popular.
A meme from Troy-
What year was it? 1994/1995What were your three favorite bands or musical artists? The Tragically Hip, New Order, The Cranberries
What was your favorite outfit? These old, used 501’s and a hooded sweatshirt
What was up with your hair? It was chlorinated to all get out
Who were your best friends? Jessica Mitchell and Kevin Scholes
Where did you work? I was a lifeguard for the city, and a swim coach for a nationally ranked club
What did you do after school? Swim practice, TV, drinking
Did you take the bus? No, A) I lived in a city, and b) I wasn’t allowed to take public transport after dark-so I got driven everywhere, or when I was lucky, use of my parent’s cars.
Who did you have a crush on? My swim coach, oh, it hurt so much, and of course the grade 10 crush on an older guy, who avoided me like the plague.
Did you fight with your parents? No, but I was a super good liar, so it kept the peace.
Who did you have a CELEBRITY crush on? Jared Leto, My So Called Life.
Did you smoke cigarettes? No siree bob. Except when I went to school in France and would buy beer for lunch and the grocery store, and then I would bum one of a friend (I think it’s a request for everyone to smoke in France), and I would stumble through my school learned French with the dangling cigarette, trying to look like less of a geek. Yeah, it didn’t work.
Did you lug all of your books around in your backpack because you were too nervous to find your locker? I was never nervous to go to my locker, just lazy, it was in the basement my last year-so screw it. In grade 11 though, I had the cool locker hallway, so I was ALWAYS there.
Did you have a ‘clique’? No, just hung out with everyone, except grade 11 when I hated pretty much EVERYONE (teenage angst at it’s best my friends). And my OAC year when I skipped so much I was never there to hang out with everyone
Did you have “The Max” like Zach Kelly and Slater? Nope, we had a tuck shop, but mainly I went to Jess’s house to eat Mr. Noodles and ketchup chips.
Admit it, were you popular? I just had lots of friends in lots of groups; I flitted and floated around to lots of groups.
Who did you want to be just like? I wanted to be ‘normal’ and not worried about the environment and how we were all going to die, and mass consumption was going to be our death and multi-national corporations were going to eat us alive. I wanted to be able to laugh freely, and be more lighted hearted. I was an angry little gapper.
What did you want to be when you grew up? A writer/makeup artist, in fact, I still sort of do, because I’m not totally grown up.
Where did you think you’d be at the age you are now? Dead. I was an unhappy little teen.
THE END
Surreal Life
Last Sunday I came upstairs, and Nerd was watching the Surreal Life. I've never really been able to watch it, as it's too cringe worthy embarrassing for all those whore's involved. It makes me sick to my stomach what people will do for fame/TV face time.I do read about it from time to time in EW, so I know about it and it's going on's. As well, during my incessant channel surfing I will stop for a moment to watch and then promptly burst into tears.
Well, Nerd was watching it, and Drago's wife (Brigette Neilson from Rocky 4) and Flavor Flav. are on it (this being Canada we're about a season/year behind with all the rocking shows on MTV, but Much is being reformatted into trash, so I'm not worried we'll be all caught up to date soon.)
Well, Mrs. Drago has been doing some hard ass living, she looks like she's from Hamilton! Eep. And then her and Mr. F starting getting it on, and she's drunk, and says she's European and that's what Europeans do, and Uncle Jesse is concerned and sickened at the same time, and Charo (a world renowned classical guitarist, I shit you not) is wearing a big furry hat, and then I passed out, as Mrs. Drago told Mr. F not to use his teeth there.
So weird and wrong, and just so fucked up. Almost as fucked as my roommate liking the song Beth and Angel (kiss and areosmtih)
A new cd
In the spirit of valentines day, I'm making a new cd. All Loba, All the Time. It will include an instructional video for interpretive dance moves-including all time favorites Gloria and 9-5.Actually, it's really in the spirit of about this time last year I was sitting on my apartment floor, drinking a bottle of wine and a having a bag of ketchup chips for dinner, watching Predator for valentines day. I had been stood up. Good times. Wren was convinced I was going to die, or kill someone, but then she found me Nerd, and now I'm calm. How scary is this calm? I can only imagine her fear from last year!
Anywhore, I asked for some songs from Peach, my roommate, and she suggested Beth by Kiss and Angel by Aerosmith.
I promptly kicked her out and am now looking for a new roommate.
Any all time favorite slowish songs?
Thursday, January 27, 2005
VENTI
Today there was an accident on the DVP, and for the last couple of weeks traffic has been AWFUL! Even for the DVP. It's taken me up to an hour to get to work, when it's not snowing, on a clear day, and I only have to go 11 km.I had a dentist appointment, and was late.
Oh, and my car got stuck half on the drive way, half on the road due to snow, and it being totally, mind blowing cold, it stalled too. Stuck/stalled half in the road, half in the drive way in line with traffic, tried to push it, but couldn't-didn't even phase me after all I've been through with the car.
Then decided to go to get a Starbucks, which means I had to go to the mall because being the suburbs, our starbucks are in malls, not on every corner. In the process I nearly got run over by elderly mall walkers. They'd as soon as kill you if you got in the way of their 30th lap around the mall. One guy was even pacing along side of me, and as his ricketed legs pumped and zoomed past me, I decided with reaffirmed conviction I would go to my damn spinning class.
I got my coffee and biscotti, paid for with about three gift cards (each had about 82 cents on them) and then went to the wash room-of course.
I set my coffee on the sink counter to wash my hands, and when I lifted up my coffee, I guess I did it by the lid, and spilled a full, piping hot venti everywhere! EVERYWHERE!!! On the counter, on me, my hands especially-and as is the norm, on my freshly dry cleaned wool coat-worn for the first time this season, on the floor-especially on the floor.
Being a bathroom, you'd think there'd be paper towel, NO PAPER towels, and I feared that if I went to get someone to inform them of my mess, that a patron would come in and slip, so I tried to do some (eww, I just sneezed literal chunks of something all over my keyboard and hands. What did I eat today that was orange?) quick cleaning up and I used the so thin it's see through toilet paper. Yards of it. Just to get the worst of it sopped up.
I totally felt like a little kid, even as I push thirty, I'm a still this insecure little kid who's worried that they done bad. (When we went to see the house my parents wanted to buy, I totally had to take a dump, and I was afraid to use the toilet. Nerd told me I was being a retard and it would be fine if I did as my dumps are liquid so it's like I was peeing, but I was still afraid, and he's thirty, so he's older than me and therefore more adult and can tell me what to do. But no, I still had to ask my mom if it was ok if I used the bathroom. Even then I still went to the basement to use that bathroom, as I had tired to use the one upstairs, but everyone was in the next room so I couldn't.)
When a lady walked into the rest room, I'm like:
"I'm so sorry, I spilled coffee, please be careful"
and she's like, shrugging her shoulders,"accidents happen", and I want to cry at this point-I know, I'm crazy, it's coffee, it was an accident and nobody got hurt, except for my burnt fingers-so as I run out of the bathroom to find somebody, a Chapters lady is walking in and I tell her
"I spilled coffee, I'm sorry" big, shaking breath in.
She says, "that's what mops are for!" big smile.
I have to leave the starbucks at Chapters and go buy a replacement at a different coffee shop because I'm so embarrassed.
How crazy is that? I've learned, with my IBS, to take liquid breaks in public-sometimes even in Holt Renfrew because I'm so sweaty and about to pass out from the cramps and clenching! But if I spill coffee? I'm an embarrassment to myself. That's so totally out of whack man. I should totally be like "It ain't no big thing G, I'm just waiting to get Magnum's ghetto love and I spilled a coffee in the meantime. Shit yo."
As well, I told a total lie yesterday. I'm getting bolder, normally I save my 'stories' when I'm drunk in the back of a cab, telling the driver I'm going to see my fiance who is a paramedic and I'm a lawyer, or that my roommate is engaged, and I'm gay. Or one of my nutty stories...that I can't always remember the next day. Although I'll never forget the time, because someone retold me it the next day when I was sober, I convinced someone I drank out of the toilet because I lived next to lake Ontario and the toilet water was better than the tap water....
Anywhore, I was buying a wedding magazine (crazy act number 5 (after trying on engagement rings) as it's soooo far away, and I'm not engaged, and in fact I'm single (or really, will be if I keep up the craziness!!!)) and the cashier was like, is this for you? Are you getting married?
Me "Yes" Total straight face, then cracked a big, excited smile
"When?"
"Not for at least a year, we just got engaged, and we want to wait, we like the idea of a longer engagement"
"Yeah, that's cool"
"Yes, we just got the engagement part over with, so now we want to ease into the wedding and it's planning"
"Well, Congratulations"
ME "Hehehe, thanks!"
It's already been established, I think before I was born, that I'm going to hell, but this totally cements the expressway and special exit they are making for me to go straight to hell on. Plus I think I'm getting my own wing, for laughing at people at the gym who can't keep time with the instructor or music beat, and then wanting to kill them.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Gene Simmons is so fucking weird looking, he's hard to watch.
His hair is disturbing, his mealy mouth, his creepy voice, his plastic looking skin. I get vomitty shivers just thinking about him.
Of course, Wren wants to bend him over and give it to him strap on style.
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Wet as Spring
So I made Wren wet as spring for a second day in a row-I tried on rings again today.She loves diamonds so much she gets high from these outings and who am I to deny this?
I actually got pretty excited today too, it was a lot of fun.
Except when I tried on the blood diamonds and felt sick to my stomach.
I basically know nothing about diamonds, Wren does, but at this particular jeweler they were cloudy and gross, and as it turns out-blood diamonds.
The sales person at this place was pushy and annoying too. She didn't listen to a word I said, or to Wren, and then she said, when is the wedding date?
Lady, are you fucking crazy? Clearly there isn't a date, I'm out looking for the ring, not the Nerd, and we aren't even close to being engaged! I'm the crazy one getting caught up in the lust of diamonds and Wren getting off as she walks around the store.
I ripped up her card.
The other place though had a very nice lady, and Wren got her band there, AND talked down the price! What could be better than that?
You know though, cinnamon pop tarts are pretty good.
And so are stuff crust pizza's with mushrooms.
So are loud farts when you're trying to sleep, and they are so loud you're stunned into silence (I think that's the only time Nerd has gotten me to shut up. I'm sure he would've love to shut me up many other times, but now he knows the trick is to have a super sonic fart.)
Any sentence containing the word limp body is pretty funny/good too.
And this weird show on the cbc with puppets that have bizzare voices, that's good too. Like really good. I need to find out the name of that show...
Monday, January 24, 2005
oh my god
This doughnut maker who sits in an area near my region won't shut the fuck up. I hate external monologue that they have with the computer, email, keyboard, desk, etc.I also don't like the fact that I can taste your perfume from 20 feet away.
I was also asked if I was Greek today! What the heck does that mean? I'm not, but why does that matter? Why do people ask that? What the heck?
I need out. And fast!
There are about 4/5 preggos and I think I'll get me self knocked up just so I have an out. Maybe I can pass off my pot belly as human (it does talk to me after all), and then I can go on leave, but then, reveal I'm not pregnant, just crazy, so I can go on LTD. Hmmm, this plan is sounding better and better by the second.
Friday, January 21, 2005
SLipping and SLidding
So I was out one of our doughnut houses this week, and it was alright actually. I've never seen so many bloody (literally) religious things hanging on the wall outside of Italy. It's weird for a doughnut shop, but I guess you play to the demographics right?So, I'm at the top of a set of spiral stairs, a huge set (it's a fancy shop), and I think ok, Lobe, let's be realistic, how many sets of stairs have you made it down if the said stair case has more than 10 stairs, without falling. ZERO. Drunk or sober. I fell down our stairs just the other day and broke a dinner plate and bruised my ass.
So I grabbed onto the railing, and vroossshhh my hand slides about three feet, and my feet are still at the top of the stairs. I'm a little freaked out, because really this could be dangerous, but I grip as hard as I can to the FRESHLY OILED BANISTER IN A HEAVILY TRAFFICKED AREA and pray (thank goodness for bloody, literally, Jebus) that my hand will stay in this spot and I can catch my feet up to my body. I manage to, but keep my now oily hands off the railing, and trip down the last three stairs.
At least it was the last three stairs, and not at the top of the 30 stair spiral.
WHOA!
Ok, so I've been working on my Bill Cosby impersonation, because even for me, it fucking sucks.It's really in tribute to Fat Albert, and the commercial with the clip were Fatty shows up on his door step and he passes out.
Wellllll, this morning, I read about BIll being investigated on sexual assault charges. So my impersonating has gone from references of pudding pops and Kodak to references of pudding pops and bathroom orifices.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
bum tit tit, bum tit tit
Why I’m not ready to be a mom-I was with Wren, at Thyme Maternity AGAIN, and I pointed out a shirt that had zippers down the side. Cool, I said to Wren, you can rub you're belly when ever you want on the actual skin and that'll be nice feeling and good for the baby. You don't have to stick your hands up your shirt and have weirdo's looking at you. Unzip and rub away (Wren used to be a male prostitute, so that's a sentence she's used to doing/saying).
We got to the counter, and the cashier was like, that's a nice nursing shirt.
Ooops, the zippers are for your titties, not your grubby hands for rubbin’.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Friday Five
I need a pylth helmut, I can't write a Friday Five! Christ. what do you want from me? I can only work so well without one!Thursday, January 13, 2005
chewing gum
I reccomend not to chew 38 pieces of gum in one sitting. My colon still hurts.Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Could you imagine...?
If Dolly Parton, Bea Arthur, Don Knotts, Mr. T and Magnum (with Higgy Baby and TC included, but no ugly, stupid Rick and his tight jeans) all had a show together, I think I would vomit, pass out and then DROWNED in my own puke from excitement.Imagine the ass whoppin's, crime solving/fighting, tender moments between Bea and her side kick Don, Higgy Baby and Dolly trying to introduce each other to their competly seperate and different worlds-which in the end they realize everyone deep down inside comes from the same place, how TC and Mr. T would be the best bouncer and helicopter pilot ever and Magnum would pistol whip Mr. T to get him to fly every week (none of the crazy trying to get T to eat poison hamburgers) while T would be saying he's patented "I ain't afraid of no monkey's and I ain't afraid of no flying!".
Oh, the sheer joy of this show is making me wet as spring! Every week they could have a guest star like Howard Cosell, John Davidson, Pee Wee Herman, Will Ferrel (as a wacky butler), George Pupard, Steely Dan, April Wine, Biz Markie, oh sweet jesus I'm swooning, I've gots to go.
That's the shit I'm talking about
Our little boy is four years oldAnd he’s quite a little man
So we spell out the words
We don’t want him to understand
Like t-o-y, or maybe s-u-r-p-r-i-s-e
But the words we’re hiding from him now
Tears the heart right out of me
Our d-i-v-o-r-c-e becomes final today
Me and little j-o-e will be going away
I love you both and this will be
Pure h-e-double-l for me
Oh, I wish that we could stop this d-i-v-o-r-c-e
Watch him smile
He thinks it’s christmas
Or his fifth birthday
And he thinks c-u-s-t-o-d-y
Spells fun, or play
I spell out all the hurtin’words
And I turn my head when I speak
Cause I can’t spell away this hurt
That's dripping down my cheek
Our d-i-v-o-r-c-e becomes final today
Me and little j-o-e will be going away
I love you both and this will be
Pure h-e-double-l for me
Oh, I wish that we could stop this d-i-v-o-r-c-e
Drunk Ebaying
Soooo, one night, I was surprisingly drunk, and scoping out the old ebay, and low and behold, I come across a pretty skirt, and low and behold, maybe I should bid on it, and low and behold, I fucking did and bloody hell, bid high, and 6 days later I have me a brand spanking new skirt from Banana Republic, NWT as they say on the 'Bay. In the wrong size.For the past month I've renewed my efforts at the gym and now Peach has joined, so that's cool we can go together, and Nerd and I are trying to eat better (him avoiding the candy me avoiding the salt), so that's helpful, not because of the skirt-but fuck me it's one more reason to add to the list of why I should excerise more.
Now that I have the fucking skirt in a size too small I can hang it in my bedroom as extra motivation.
Christ almighty, you'd think I'd better, but at least I wasn't making drunken phone calls to ex's (cringe)!!!!!
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Gimpy at Large
Gimpy, a co-worker with a bum leg, has been telling me about the colonics, wild sex from chandeliers they are no longer having, and smoking joints and seeing dead people.I don't know if Gimpy is trying to act young, or is desperately clinging to her youth, or thinking she sounds cool (she also has many gay friends, I'm not sure why she points that out so much, there's nothing wrong with it, but she'll say "I went out with my gay decorator" or "My gay friend and I..." "Gay, that's what my friend is" weird shit like that. I don't say "So myt pal Wren, the fucktard, and I went for drinks" or "I'm going out with my pal, Dickdrip, to buy cheese" I don't think it's a necessary descriptor), but it's so not graceful or very work appropriate for that matter, and frankly, more than anything, it's disturbing. Who really wants to visualize (because that's what happens to me, someone tells me something and I immediately visualize it) an older lady with a shriveled leg hanging off a chandelier with a joint hanging out of her mouth and a colonic tube out her bum-bum.
You know, I certainly don't.
I think I've become the palest person I know. Nerd is fairly white, but he's got a pink hue to him (it must be the Avanti), but fuck and a half, I'm pure white. Creepy white. I'm going to tell my boss I have severe anemia and see if I can get some STD (that would be SHORT TERM DISABILITY). I probably am suffering from it anyway, because I don't eat red meat (mainly because it upsets the old IBS, I used to have to eat it because I really did have bad anemia), and beans and leafy green vegetables (again, upsetting to the old descending colon)...Why do you think I'm called Green Apple Splatters? (childhood nickname-motor boat).
Monday, January 10, 2005
A Long Over due update
Yes, I know I need to update, but today I'm in a crabby ass mood, so you've been warned.I was sick as ass over the holidays, and still feel shitty. It's probably just working in a fucking doughnut factory that's making me miserable, because this past weekend I saw nerd, and nearly puked Friday night I was so excited.
*Ernest Bourgnign in Magnum PI rocks some serious fucking ass.
*D-I-V-O-R-C-E is the funniest fucking song ever from Dolly Parton. C-U-S-T-O-D-Y doesn't spell fun or birthday for little J-O-E, and Dolly can't spell away the hurt dripping down her cheek, it's going to be H-E-DOUBLE L, for her and little J-O-E. Classic.
*I love Magnum
*TVP (or as I call it PVC) is really good in spaghetti sauce, chili and taco's.
* I like hashbrowns.
*I made up a dance routine to the song 9-5 and I'm thinking about going on tour again, as my last tour was very, very successful with the song Gloria and it's interprative dance. It had a few revivals.
*Harold and Kumar go to White Castle is a funny fucking movie, as is Shaun of the Dead.
*I love Magnum.
*Matt and Nat purses are awesome, and so is the food network.
*Mr. T is pretty fucking funny too.